“I hope you rot in hell!” That was the last of the comments I read in response to a Facebook post I made about Christmas displays at city hall being unconstitutional. It was at that moment that I finally realized arguing with true believers about church/state issues on Facebook was never, ever, going to be productive. The exchange left me with a lousy feeling, and I must confess, thinking some very unkind thoughts about the older woman who had wished eternal damnation upon me.
In a culture where tribalism and divisions seem to be growing, we might wonder how to connect in more positive ways with those around us—especially those who don’t share our humanistic worldview. Daily, we see reminders of how many people’s primary allegiances are to their “tribes,” whether they be political, religious, racial, geographic, or any number of other groups.
Tribalism, as an evolutionary adaptation, seems to have aided early homo sapiens in their survival within small groups. However, in our current culture, it appears to serve only to foster animosity and deep-seated mistrust toward those deemed as outsiders.
With this in mind, we need to be cautious, lest secular humanism becomes just another tribe, rife with hostility, suspicion, and rejection towards those who do not share our views. Perhaps some introspection is in order. Do I regard those outside my secular humanist group as being foolish, unenlightened, and malevolent? Am I making a positive contribution toward the eradication of tribalism, or am I merely perpetuating its existence?
But here’s the thing: it’s not just about secular humanism or any other specific tribe. It’s about all of us. It’s about recognizing that we’re all part of this big, messy human family and that we need to find ways to connect with each other despite our differences.
Almost all of us have family members, colleagues, neighbors, or others who belong to a variety of groups that have radically different views than we do on issues that are important to us. In some cases, their views could potentially have negative effects on our livelihoods, lifestyles, and perhaps even on our very existence. Are these people our enemies? Are they all “out to get us?” Should we gear up to be ready to “punch Nazis?”
In 2020, the political signs in my neighborhood began sprouting up in the months before the presidential election. In my morning walks, I’d take note of which houses supported Trump or Biden. It seemed very close to a 50-50 split. As I passed by the Trump homes, I couldn’t help but feel a creeping animosity toward their residents. I may or may not have given them the “virtual” finger as I walked by. And maybe it wasn’t always so virtual. The election signs, and the atmosphere they fostered, put real meaning into the “division” part of my subdivision.
After the election, the signs came down, and along with it, almost all my negativity toward “those” neighbors. Without any external factors continuously pointing out our differences, I started to regain my positive outlook on all those who live in my immediate environment.
My next-door neighbors are the kind of people who watch Fox News religiously and profess to be Christians, supporting Republican candidates with unreserved enthusiasm. Our political and worldviews are about as far apart as possible. And yet, in the time I’ve lived beside them, they have shown me many kindnesses and offered me a great deal of help. And I’ve attempted to do the same in return. We get along well, always with a smile, and talk about the things we have in common rather than our differences.
So, again, what does it mean to be a humanist if we hold a great majority of other humans with such contempt that we refuse to engage with them on a human level? Nearly every person has struggles, triumphs, tragedies, aspirations, and joys as part of their human existence. And almost every one of us desires that our loved ones and acquaintances will prosper and succeed, and will make great sacrifices for them to do so. Regarding these issues, we are all in the same boat.
It's true that some individuals appear to have empathy and care only for those people in their tribes and are seemingly unconcerned about what happens to those outside their circles of compassion. But one way for a person to learn to extend concern to a broader circle is to make new connections outside of their current circles. And what applies to others also applies to us. New connections can benefit both parties.
And at a practical level, fighting or ostracizing those with different outlooks is rarely productive. It’s highly unlikely that any amount of confrontation and name-calling will persuade someone to adopt our views. As in the case of the woman who wanted me to rot in hell, such an approach often leaves both parties feeling poorly, and even more deeply entrenched in their views. If we want to have a chance to influence people for positive change, we must first get to know them.
It’s not easy to reach out and connect with others with whom we differ radically from. It takes effort and intentionality. But it’s worth it. Because when we can connect with others in meaningful ways, we can start to break down the walls that divide us and build bridges. So, let’s try. Let’s extend our hands to those who are different from us and try to understand their perspectives. Let’s listen more than we talk. Let’s be kind and compassionate. Let’s be human.
